When success masquerades as pain

Most people that know me, know that I battled deperession in my 20's and then again relapsed in my early 30's. I am very open about it and share that part of my journey whenever possible. During both those periods in my life I was undergoing tremendous growth, and massive change was happening with each passing day. With that said, you could tell me all the wonderful things that were happening, or how much success was coming my way and I was even aware of it, albeit in a sort of superficial or cerebral way. I could not really "feel it" because I was filled with tears, and pain most days. You want the pain to end, and you know each day, no matter how much you want it, the pain will be there when you wake up. You become focussed on the pain and that perhaps makes the pain even worse. So any feeling of success, are short lived and fleeting.

I am grateful to my therapist for helping me through both of my battles with depression. In fact some days I still message or call him to tell him how grateful I am for all his support, becuase looking back I would not trade all that work and pain for anything, and I would do it all over again if push came to shove. He supported me and kept me tethered to reality each week and was an objective ear to all the feelings I was experiencing. Some days that was all I needed, that, and someone to tell me that things will be okay. While it's true he was being paid, it takes strength to be with someone while they are in pain, just "being" with someone while they battle and cry. #forevergrateful

The most magical thing happened to me this week that gave me a glimpse of what it must have been like to watch me grow and provide comfort when I was in need. A friend of mine who has been struggling for a little while now and knows the journey I have been on just needed a little support and understanding. I will preface this by saying she is a talented human being, who brings a ton of joy to my life and to those around her. While being those things, she is struggling like many of us do as we search for stability while we grow. On that special day, we sat together and I asked her what she needed. Much like my response so many times, she didn't have an answer. So I just sat with her, and shared in her pain, as I really could empathize. I later shared that while she may not see or feel it right now, if she keeps going on this journey she embarked on, even though it feels as though the pain will never end, it will. She will find her foorting and the life she has always wanted will be hers. We sat together a while longer before she was ready to continue with her day. She expressed how grateful she was for having someone like me she could open up to, but you know what, I am the lucky one who is grateful my friend. Those 20 minutes together gave me a gift that I will carry with me forever. I cannot even imagine the person she will become if she continues down this path of self discovery and awareness. I am so proud of her.

While it's true I have roughly 20 years of objectivity, and much of my pain is like an old friend who "stops by" once in while to see how I am doing. You could not tell me that at the age of 24 that by 41 I would have 2 beautiful children, a wife I adore, a place I've called home for 12 years, live in gratitude most days and be able to appreciate something simple like the sunshine.

So many tears,

Chris